Just me and my laptop

Let me start with a confession:

I HAVE AN UNHEALTHY ATTACHMENT WITH MY

LAPTOP COMPUTER.

My boyfriend calls my laptop my "other boyfriend." I have panic attacks when I have to sleep somewhere if my laptop is not under the same roof. My laptop even has a name, Lily. (which, I guess, would mean I was in a lesbian relationship according to my boyfriend - but that's neither here nor there.)

Let's get this straight. This is not a computer or internet addiction that I speak of. As I type right now on the desktop in my bedroom I realize that this particular machine is just that. A machine. Replaceable. A means to an end. But oh no, not my Lily.

Part of the reason for this attachment is practical. I purchased Lily just before I started Law School. Lily holds notes fropm every class I have sat through. She holds the "work product" from all my legal clerkships. She holds my complete MP3 collection of near 10,000 songs and my recipe collection, which includes 5,000 recipes. She holds my thesis paper, and all of its drafts. She also is adorned with 100's of desktop pictures, which I have cycled every 15 minutes.

So, you think, why don't you just back up this data. The thing is, I largely have backed up the important things. But, still, there is the deeply rooted feeling that if I lost my friend, Lily, it would never be the same.

Which leads me to think that this attachment goes deeper then an attachment for the sake of practicality.

I got Lily when I was still married. She may very well be the first big purchase I made on my own. I picked out Lily myself, and paid with her with my own money (albeit school loans, but nontheless, not my ex-husband's money.) Until the time I started Law School, I has been a "stay home" mom. I married and had kids young, and never really had a job, and definetly never had a career. I also felt like I never had anything that was "just mine." Lily was just mine.

Lily represents my newly found independence. The day she came to live with me somehow marks the "critical point" in my life, after which nothing has been the same.

My marraige quickly deteriorated after I started Law School. My ex-husband made it clear he preferred a "house-wife." Taking night classes to finish my under-grad 3 or 6 credits at a time posed no threat to him. Going to school, all day...and not only school but LAW SCHOOL posed a huge threat.

This was all new to me. I had never had a job. I had done very little without my ex-husband. I felt very alone. But, Lily was there for me every day. The first time I rode on the Metro Train to get to school, Lily was there. My first trip EVER to the city without my ex-husband, Lily was there. That first class in law scool, as I sat terrified, feeling out of place, a 30 year old with two kids surrounded by young kids fresh out of college, who all "looked" like young lawyers. All I could think is "I do not belong here." But, Lily was there, and I got through. When I felt so islolated, so unsupported, when it seemed that all of my friends and family did not believe I would make it, Lily was there.

And THROUGH Lily I built a support system. Finally, I felt free to express myself. For the first time in my life I felt a new sense of privacy, which enabled me to build a new "cyber support network." Finally, I had a medium which I could express myself, without having to subject my private thoughts to the prying eyes of my ex-husband and ex in-laws. (As an aside, my ex-mother -in-law stole my diary, and read it to her entire family. It contained very intimate details, including suicidal thoughts I had in the past and an extra-marital affair I had, and details of my own father's suicide - This is one reason why I felt like I never had any measure of privacy until Lily came along.)

As my marraige quickly deteriorated, I made the most important decision of my life. To leave the marraige. I found my new apartment through Lily. I also found a divorce attorney through Lily. I also found a group of friends at a Message Board called "Divorce Talk" through Lily.

The first day in my new apartment was the scariest day of my life. I have NEVER lived alone or supported myself.

I WAS SCARED

I WAS ALONE

THE APARTMENT WAS EMPTY

I THOUGHT I MADE A BAD DECISION

I CRIED

But, I had Lily. I literally had no furniture except a bean bag chair and Lily. I survived that night. And the rest is history.

Two years later, and I'm in my last year in law school. I m no longer scared or lonely to be in my apartment. I now have obtained a sense of privacy, independence, and autonomy and happiness that I never dreamed possible.

Yet, I still need Lily.

Lily is "in the shop" for the next two days. OK, I'm not having panic attacks, and OK, I am going to survive.

But I will miss my faithful friend.