The Anatomy of a Breakup

As you all know, I am going through a break-up with my boyfriend. Well, let me rephrase that, the break-up part is completed. Now, I'm going through the stages that inevitably follow the break-up.

I have realized, in my sage-like age, that all break-ups consist of the same steps. It's like a horrible record that plays over and over and over again.

Here are the "Stages of a Break-Up" From a Female Perspective

STAGE 1: THE BREAK-UP

Needed: An insensitive boyfriend, a door to slam, and a rearview mirror, never to look back into.

I will not belabor this stage. You fight. You say you deserve X-Y and Z. He gives excuses A-B-and C. No common ground can be reached. You say you need "A little space." or "A little time." And you leave.

STAGE 2: MOURNING

Needed: Endless containers of Ben and Jerry's icecream, your favorite ratty old PJ's, a best friend.

During this stage, you wrap yourself in a blanket and cry, and eat, and cry, and cry. You do not change out of your ratty old PJ's that you have had since highschool. You do not leave the house. You do not shower or clean the house. You subside on icecream, chips with french onion dip, and Sara Lee Chocolate Mousse Pie, eaten straight from the container.

You forget to feed your fish. Your fish dies. You cry over the loss of your fish. You cry over the loss of every relationship you've ever had. You cry over the D you got in Junior High Art Class. You cry for the guest on Jerry Springer.

Your house is falling apart, you are falling apart. You realize you can't stay in this stage forever. Then, like an Angel from Heaven, your best friend enters

STAGE 3: SHAKE THAT BOOTY

Needed: The most provactive clothes in your closet, a push-up bra, 2 dozen jello shooters, and all your girl-friends

Your best friend enters your house, notices the disarray and says:

"Girl, we are going dancing tonight."

She practically dresses you and carries you out of the house. While out, you begin to realize that there actually is life beyond your apartment. You dance all night. You almost forget about him, at least for 5 minute spans. Actually, that's a lie. You are just going through the motions. Songs remind you of him. Other men remind you of him. A really hot man buys you a drink and strikes up a conversation with you. You catch yourself almost bringing your ex into the conversation a few times, but stop yourself.

At the end of the night, you still are pretty miserable. But, at least it feels good knowing you can still look HOT. Plus, you got a couple phone numbers from some eligible bachelors. Maybe a potential distraction, you think.

STAGE 4: HYPERACTIVE SELF-IMPROVEMENT

Needed: Cleaning supplies, a new gym membership, a Platinum Credit Card.

After the hang-over wears off, you decide that you are going to take this break-up opportunity to improve your life. You start making lists of things that you have always wanted to do. You clean your house, you alphabatize your spice rack, you go shopping and buy yourself a new wardrobe.

You clean your house from top to bottom. you find an old half-drunk iced tea of his in the back of the fridge. You cry. You can not bring yourself to throw it out.

You start working 60 hour weeks. You join a gym and work out manically.

But...the minute you are alone. The minute you have nothing to do, you check your phone and wonder:

"Why hasn't he called me yet"
"Why isn't he begging for me back"
"What's wrong with me that he does not want me"
"Maybe I should call him....maybe we can reconcile."

Sometimes this sets you back to stage 1. The strong women eventually will progress to the next stage....

STAGE 5: RALLYING THE TROOPS

Needed: Friends, Co-workers, strangers..anyone who will LISTEN

The yearning to call him seems to be getting stronger and stronger. Every moment you are idle you are checking your phone, hoping he called. You start to, in your mind, minimalize all the terrible things he did to you, and start to justify, to yourself why you should get back together.

There is only one thing to do at this point. You are at your weakest, your most vulnerable.

You pick up the phone...

Dial the first 4 digits of your ex's number....

Hang up....

And then, instead, being the strong, independent, and smart woman you are, you call EVERYONE in your phone book EXCEPT your ex.

You tell everyone all the bad things he's done to you. You air all your dirty secrets. You repeat again and again and again and again the 100's of reasons why dumping him was the most rational thing to do. Do you believe it? Maybe not. But, every time you repeat it, you believe it more. You get tons and tons of feedback, like:

"Girl, he's an asshole."

"You deserve so much better."

"If you ever go back to him, I'm going to be so mad at you, he's a jerk."

Now you know there's no going back. All the dirty aundry has been aired. Your dear dear friends would now tie you up in a chair in the basement before letting you call him. Plus, you are starting to believe it, maybe you really are better off. Maybe? Maybe not?

STAGE 6: I WILL SURVIVE

Needed: Gloria Gaynor record.

You listen to music. You SCREAM along with the song:

"I will survive. As long as I know how to love, I know I'm still alive.
I've got so much left to give. I've got so much left to live.
I WILL SURVIVE
I WILL SURVIVE
YEAH
YEAH"

You are woman, hear you roar. But, secretly, you still check your phone to see if he called. And you still wonder, in the back of your head, what he's doing.

STAGE 7: RETURN TO NORMAL LIFE

As the days go by, he becomes a distant memory. You throw away the boxers he left at your house. You are able to go to "your" restarant without breaking out in tears.

Your new life-style has made you thinner, prettier, happier, and largely more fulfilled. You realize, really really realize why you are better without him.

Then, one day......

STAGE 8: THE CALL

Your phone rings. At first you do not even recognize the number. You pick up. The call you waiting for for so long has finally happened....but....

YOU DO NOT CARE.

He says he misses you
He says you are the bet thing that ever happened to him.
He says he loves you.
He says he made a huge mistake.

It is as if you are in a time warp. You are thinking to yourself, where the hell has he been during the last few week or months. Why does he think he can just march back into my life as if no time has passed.

I have an opinion on this. I think men and women approach break-ups drasticly differently. You see, while women are painstakingly getting themselves through stages 1 through 6, the ex-boyfriend tends to be stuck in this alternative stage 1. I will call it "Stage 1 for men"

Stage 1 for men consists of drinking, partying, fucking, going to strip clubs and generally living it up. So, basically, once they come out of this drunken stupor, hopefully without any STD's or illigitimate children on the way, they are forced to go through the same stages we women had to go through.

So, here I find myself in Stage 7. And he is in Stage 1, mourning.

You listen to him whimper and moan and beg on the phone for a few hours. It actually provides an ego boost. A very immature type of vindication.

You say: "Call me back when you are at Stage 7" and hang up. You have a date with a really cute Doctor in 1 hour, and you simply do not have time to relive Stage 1 with this jerk of a man you used to call your boyfriend.