The purple underware, the hairclip, and the cheating boyfriend

This is a hard post for me. I have been keeping this to myself for a long time, and I feel like I'm going to EXPLODE if I don't get it out. I have been keeping it to myself for two primary reasons. First off, I fear I am being irrational, possessive, or jealous, and I just do not value these qualities. Second, I have this desire to protect my boyfriend, for some irrational reason.

The dam has broken.

I need to talk.

The problem: I think my boyfriend is a perpetual liar and cheater

Background

T and I met in July 2004. when we met, both of us were not ready to settle down. WE instantly connected, sex was great, we had a great time together. WE promised eachother that, even though we were not going to be committed, we were going to be completely honest with eachother. We promised we'd let the other know if we fell in love with another, or entered into a serious relationship with another.

I lived up to my end of the bargain. I know now that he did not.

During the summer months of 2004, T and I, I believe, became best friends. I was quite honestly having the best sex of my life with him. We would spend 3-4 nights a week together. He knew I was casually dating others, and I believed he was doing same.

We would spend hours and hours talking. For the firt time since my divorce, I was emotionally opening up to someone. We live 5 miles from eachother, yet, we'd often spend the whole night on the phone. Things that I could never discuss with other people, because they could not understand, I discussed with him. I told him about my 8 year marraige, and how I regret cheating so much. How I never want to cheat again. How I married too young. How I am just, now, discovering who I am. I was able to talk like this with him because he had a similar background. He met his ex-wife at age 16. Like me, he and she drifted. Like me, he was a cronic cheater. It just felt good to know there was another poerson in my position...who madfe such grave mistakes, yet wished to redeem themself.

I think some of these early conversations, however, should have been an early warning sign. I was no angel in my marraige, do not get me wrong, but, in the end, I slept with less than ten men other then my spouse while I was married. T, on the other hand, admitted to sleeping with over 1,000. He told stories of sleeping with 3 or 4 different women in one day. While I had a tendency to have relations with a man for a span of months, he had almost exclusively 1 night stands. His admitted MO was he'd meet a girl online, meet her within an hour, never give his real name, have sexual relations, then never talk to her again.

Another difference between T and I was the circumstances under which we left our respective marraiges. My divorce was very amicable. 6 months before leaving, I cut off ALL illicit relations I had with men. When I left I truely left to be alone. T, on the other hand, left for another woman. I neve feel in love during my marraige, or even sogught out emotional relationships. T fell in love with L. T left his marraige for L. Poetic justice in the end though, L dumped T, less than 6 months after he left his marraige, FOR A WOMAN!

T was, admittedly, obsessed with L for years. When I met T, a good 60% of the things he talked about were about L. To make things more complicated, L could not make up her mind whether she was a lesbian or straight, and kept playing with T's mind. I did not mind listening to T, I was his friend. He was hurting. However, L had left him 2 years before I even met him. Eventually, I let him know that I was tired of hearing about L so much.

I started to have feelings for Todd. He proclaimed that he was developing feeling for me.

He would declare to me, on random days, that he broke off sexual relationships with a certain girl. One such girl was R. I remember still, it was August 2004, and he told me he just broke it off permanently with R. He said she was just a friend who he slept with, but he said he did not want her in his life anymore because he cared for me too much. I never asked him to do this!

Well, just LAST month I found out some things about R. I found out she and he were boyfriend-girlfriend. I found out they went on vacation for A WEEK together in late August. In his typical form, T excused it away. He insists they were, in fact, broken up when he told me they were, but had some "plans" they had made before they broke up.

in late August/early September, Todd and I were very close (or so I thought). He claimed not to be ddating anyone but me. One day we spent the day at an amusement park. I felt like this was one of the happiest days I spent since I was in highschool.

I realized that day...I was falling in love.

Our day was ended abruptly, however. He got a call that his grandmother was in the hospital. He had to leave RIGHT AWAY.

Guess what, just a few months ago I found out this was all a lie. Almost a year after it happened, I come to learn that his grandma was not sick. It was all a lie. Instead, L, called him and wanted to see him right away. So he dropped me to see her. The next day he sent me a text message. I still have it saved on my phone. It says:

"Grandma is stable. I had the best time yesterday. I am so happy we met. You make me better, as a person, plus, you are an amazing woman."

I kept the message because, until I knew the TRUTH, the message made my heart skip a beat. Now it makes me feel nauseous.

By November 2004, I thought T and I were a couple. Even today, he insists that since November 2004, he has been faithful to me. He admits, however, to having a girlfriend, Ros, prior to November, and being obsessed with L, and also sleeping with dozens of girls

I do not even know what to believe. He insists I should not look at dates prior to November, since we were not together. I decided I would do that and we started to forge a relationship.

All was relatively calm up until December. We spent alot of time together. It was agreed upon that we were excluive, we were not using condoms, so the exclusivity aspect was very important for me (STD'S). However, I was always suspicious. A few times he "disappeared" for a few days. He never answered my phone calls right away. I could never get in touch with him, even on his cell phone. He was never available a whole weekend, and would often have "plans" that took him away for the night. I caught him in lies. He explained his way out of them. He had an excuse for everything, it seemed.

Nevertheless, I was falling in love.

One day, in January, I was supposed to pick him up to go somewhere. I had to go to the bathroom, so instead of picking him up at door, I went into his place. There was a picture of L hanging on the wall. I was so mad. He insisted he was cleaning, saw it on the floor, and put it up, where it had been for years, out of habit.

Stupid me believed him.

I started to set parameters. I told him he need to stop not picking up his phone. That it was not acceptable for him to go away "whithout his phone" days at a time.

It seemed to get better for a while.

Around the same time, however, I was looking for something of mine, and I found, in a closet in the bathroom, a pair of PJS that were the same identical PJs he bought for me for Christmas. He swore they were for his mom.

Stupid me believed him.

Then, in March, he called me to say "Good Night" at 6:30 PM. He said he felt sick and was going to bed. I felt weird. I called my best friend, and she suggessted I stop by his place. Guess what...HE WAS NOT THERE.

I had enough. At 12 midnight, I left a note on his door:

"It's over. Do not contact me. You fucked up a good thing."

And, I meant it. For a week he called and begged and pleaded. He swore he was at a bar, alone. He swore he just needed space and was embarrassed to tell me. He called and begged and begged and begged. I did not answer. I was strong. I did not answer his calls, his texts, his IMs.

I was strong until he said the magic words for the first time.....

"I am in love with you."

I took him back.

It just never changes. In last few months, I have found the following objects in his apartment.

1. A credit card bill with charge for fancy restarant. I never confronted him about it.
2. A girls hair clip on the towel rack of his bathroom. He said it was old, it was L's, and he left it there so I could use it.
3. A brand new hairdryer and other girls-type supplies in his bathroom. He said they are his.
4. On the same day of hair-clip, I saw "I love you" on foggy mirror in bathroom. He inmsists he wrote it for me. This does not make sense to me, since I actually stopped by unexpectadly.
5. Christmas card from R that proclaimed her undieing love. He insits it was from years ago, but his stories do not match up. Firt, he told me he only knew her for a year, then he changed his story.

Then there is always the looming fact that he never seems to be able to spend a whole weekend with me. Inevitably, something ALWAYS comes up. A coaches' meeting, a basketball game, a sick relative, etc. etc. This is worse, because I only am available every other weekend, since I have kids alternating weekends.

He always leaves his phone in the car. He is, quite frequently, unreachable for hours at a time. I'm not possessive. I'm not needy. I have my own life, and I want him to have his own life but this all seems fishy. Its always "I left my phone in the car." "I had no reception." "My phone battery went dead." OVER AND OVER AND OVER. And, as girlfriends go, I give him so much leeway. I really do not breathe down his

Last Month

Last month he is at my house. WE are both on our laptops. I said I want to send him something, to sign on messanger so I can send him link. He gets defensive. I get mad. I say he always acts like he has something to hide. I MAKE him sign on. All these messages from girls pop up..away messages. He closes them before I can read them.

GET THE FUCK OUT, I SAY

And I broke up with him. And I cried. I missed him. I convinced myself I was overreacting. Like always, he had a plasible explanation. I took him back.

This Morning

I found a pair of girls underware in his drawer. They are not mine. I told him I want to see his phone bill for past 2 months or it is over.

This relatinship is DRAINING me!

I want opinions. Am I overreacting? He insists the underware are from years ago. I'm sick of the excuses. I hate being possessive. I feel I have no choice.


OPINIONS APPRECIATED!!