Halloween Hell

I used to love this time of the year. Halloween used to be my favorite. Then my ex's birthday used to be a few days later, followed by our anniversary in the same week. Me and my ex used to often go away for the birthday/anniversary festivities. We went to Vegas one year, Cozumel one year, Boston one year.

well, Halloween is still October 31
His birthday is still November 6
And the day we got married was, as matter of fact November 9.

And that is all.
Nothing else is the same.
That is all I recognize of my life.

And I feel as if it was a fantasy. The decade-long marriage, did it really happen? The past feels like a photocopy of a photocopy of a photocopy of a photocopy.

Lately, I regret everything.

Yesterday, I had to stop by my ex's house...MY OLD HOUSE, to pick up something for kids. This was the only house I ever owned. Hanging on every wall are the pictures that I hung, that I picked out, that I bought. The cat that was mine before I met my ex is in that house. The walls I painted, the pictures I framed, they are all there. All that's missing is me.

I walk into my old house. M, my ex's girlfriend is holding my cat. MY CAT! This cat never let anyone hold her but me.

And here I am, in this 800 square foot apartment in the ghetto. My downstairs neighbor keeps complaining we make too much noise when we walk. My autistic son pace. He is disabled, he stumbles and falls every few minutes. The kids hate it here, there is no place to move. They like their "dad's house". It is big, it is beautiful, it is in the suburbs. The neighbors are Doctors and lawyers, and all smile at you and wave as you pass. Here, its different, so different. My daughter got her shoes stolen when she left them outside. The neighbors drink beer all night and throw bottles off their deck, leaving shards of broken glass for my kids to step on.

I HATE IT HERE.

I'm living on alimony and school loans. I can not afford anything. I can hardly afford food. Yet, I'm an idiot....i gamble way too much money away...Out of desperation.

My ex drives a $70,000 car. His girlfriend's car is nicer. They fly somewhere exotic almost every weekend. I doubt I could salvage my c ar for $2000.

My son has been out of control this weekend. He screams for hours at a time. He wants things he can't have then screams. He screamed because a DVD we had was skipping. He screams because the popcorn takes to long to pop. He screams for hours because he wants to run around "naked" and I make him wear clothes. He cries and screrams. My older daughter starts yelling at him. I yell over all of them to quiet down. Then my neighbors complain. I just want to yell:

I'M DOING THE BEST I FUCKING CAN.

I have NO HELP. I have no relatives in the area. The relatives I do have are so self-involved, they don't care. Hell, I have no friends in the area. My closest friend is 200 miles away. When I was dating T, at least I felt like I got a distraction, and some help.

Now it's just me.
Alone.

Locked in the 800 square foot apartment with no money.
With a screaming child.
With neighbors who are constantly knocking on my door and complaining.
I've gained like 30 pounds in last year.
So, not only am I alone, but I'm fat.

So, tomorrow is Halloween. Me and my ex still do all holidays together with the kids. We both implicitly agreed that my neighborhood would never be somewhere we'd send the kids Trick-or-Treating. So, after work, I will head to his house (my old house). But, this year there's new addition to our routine. His pretty, perfect, rich, thin, girlfriend will be there.

Happy fucking Halloween people!