If I was young and stupid then...What am I now?

I met my ex-husband at age 18. We married at age 20, and had children immediately.

We were, and still are, complete opposites. He has always been conservative, straight-laced, very refined. I'm very free-spirited and sensual. He only wears Brooks Brothers, I shop at thrift stores. He plans every minute detail of his life, I have been known to pack a bag with one outfit and go to the airport and buy a ticket to a random city to spend the weekend alone. He likes sex missionary style, with the lights out, I like being tied up and blindfolded, tortured for hours, made to get on all fours and beg for him to cumm all over my pretty little face. I think you get the point.

I find myself spending hours lately trying to figure out why I married the man. I keep writing it off as "young and stupid" but I do not know if that is a cop-out.

Now I'm 30....Have I gotten any smarter? Do I know any more what I'm looking for in a mate...I strongly doubt it.

For the first 5 years of my relationship with my ex, I tried so hard to be what he wanted. That is my biggest regret in all of this. Furthermore, no matter what I did, I just could not fit up to the image that he longed for. I could never understand exactly what he wanted me to be.

Then, last Saturday, I realized EXACTLY what he wanted.

I met M, his new girlfriend.

Let me set the scene for you. It was my daughter's birthday party at Chuck E Cheese. I never know how to dress for these things. I never feel like I fit in with the other moms, especially visually. Many people have told me, I just exude sexuality. I do not try to. I work really hard not to in my professional life. Thank God for business suits.

Back to the party. I wore a sun-dress. I wore my long hair down, curly. When I left house, I was satisfied I looked respectful, nice, maternal. That false sense was shattered as soon as I exited my car on way into Chuck E Cheese and three boys (like highschool age) drove by, leaning out of window whistling and yelling. Did I mention, I also look young.

Don't get me wrong, I like being pretty. M is pretty too. M is pretty in a "Brooks Brothers" ad type of way. Her hair was very well groomed, and pinned up in a very stylish manner. In a million years I would never be able to figure out how to do that to my hair. She was wearing preppy clothes...khakis and a crisp white button-up shirt.

She looked so...
Clean?
Crisp?
Refined?
Perfected?
All of the Above?

She was the personification of what my ex always wanted me to be.

Even her speech was refined, her smile. Like me, she had been to law school, but decided not to practice law. Like me, she grew up in a small town. Like me she had blonde hair and blue eyes. That is where similiarities ended.

She loves to bake.
Baking for me is buying a Sarah Lee Cheesecake.
She made my kids personalized baskets out of pails and ribbons.
I haven't figured out how to make my bed.
She stenciled her whole apartment.
What the fucks a stencil.
She speaks French.
I speak really dirty in bed.
She reads classic literature.
I play online poker.

Don't get me wrong now. I actually like M. I am so happy my ex found someone like her. I also am very pleased with myself.

The mystery still remains though, why didn't my ex marry M, or someone like her, the first time around?

"I was young and foolish then. I feel old and foolish now." - They Might Be Giants