My Dysfunctionalism (and if that is not a word - it is now!)

I am handling this break-up quite poorly.

I am not following my stages.

I am having days of strength and resiliences, followed by hours of dysfunctionalism, during which I manage to obliterate every bit of progress I've made.

So, T and I decided to be "friends." This whole idea is blasphemous to begin with. He comes over last week. We fool around, but I refuse sex. He sleeps in my bed, naked. He sucks on my nipples.

When two dysfuctional people, both with no boundaries, decide to break-up and be "jut friends" disaster is sure to ensue.

He continuously tells me he loves me. That he's getting therapy. That he wants to better himself. That I'm his soul mate.

These are the word that draw out the injured little girl in me. The girl that is dysfunctional, defenseless, naive, and stupid. The little girl who was sexually abused at the age of 4. The little girl who was abandoned by her father at age 5, when he took his own life to save mine (or so the suicide note said.) The little girl who lost her virginity at age 14 while on her first date, in the back-seat of a car, through violence and force. And who stayed with the man who raped her for 3 years. She is a part of me. She is defenseless.

And T has learned how to summon her.

This defenseless little girl has spent the weekend in her PJ's crying. Terrified to shower, because many of the horrendous things that happened to her in her early childhood happened in the shower. Terrified to leave the house.

And, T never called.

I was abandoned again.

The floodgates are open. I called and called and called. I reduced myself to a pathetic woman, begging for the attention of a man who does not deserve me.

Now I hate myself.

That little girl is me. and she does not know what to do.

Help me please!