The break-up orgasm that removed the haze

Today I feel great. This is the greatest I've felt in many months. I feel so great that it's almost a feeling I do not recognize.

In the last few months everything has really come into order. I was so deep in a haze of depression and self-deprecation that I did not even realize it. I am interning at my dream job. I have been actually arguing cases in court! I am coming to the end of my long, hard, educational journey. In less then a year, if I continue along this path, I will actually be a lawyer! A lawyer! A lawyer!

My self-deprecating self kept convincing myself that being a lawyer was a dream, a lie, a non-reality. Surely, before that point, I'd fuck up in a big way...I'd fail out of school, or go on a angry rampage and shoot the dean, or just quit and run off to Vegas to become an exotic dancer, or get busted smoking crack and get kicked out of law school during the last week of school (Note: I am neither admitting nor denying that I do, or ever have smoked crack. )

Today, while on the stair-master, during my 38th minute of cardio it hit me.

THIS IS REAL.

I am not just wearing a shirt that says I'm in "law school", I really am in law school.
I'm not just telling people I am going to be a prosecutor, there is a very good chance I'm getting hired at the Commonwealth's Attorney office in May.
I'm not just "faking" being a strong, single mother, who loves and nurtures her children to the fullest of her extent, I really am a great single mom.

Where did these realizations come from.
Why this stair-master epiphany?

Honestly, I do not know, but I do know what has transpired during the preceeding 48 hours.

T came over yesterday. We fought, again. We talked, again. He said he's getting therapy, again, so her can be a better boyfriend, again. WE rehashed, again, the fact that during our 18 month relationship, he was faithful only six weeks. I hear the "sex addiction", excuse again.

Then something I never said AND meant before came out of my mouth.

"Todd, I'm moving on."

And I meant it. I meant it like I never meant it before, to anyone. Even when I left my ex-husband, I said I was leaving more as a threat, fully expected to reconcile. Every breakup I've ever had, I've never meant it.

Yesterday I did.

What happened next?

WE FUCKED.

We fucked long and hard and wild and crazy. I lost track of orgasms. It was some of the best sex of my life.

As soon as it was over, all I could think was one thing.

Go home. Goodbye. See Ya. There's the Door.

I couldn't get him out fast enough. I did not want to cuddle. I did not want to talk. I just wanted him gone.

Then today I woke up feeling wonderful.

I may be alone.

But I have two great kids.
I have the most supportive best friend in the world.
I have a very faithful and cuddly black cat.
I almost have a JD.
I have a gym membership that I'm planning on using alot more.
I have a whole wardrobe of size 8 clothes that I'm going to be able to fit back into soon.
I have my own apartment.
I have a healthy-sized CD with which I will soon purchase a home.

I may have no man.
No pending dates.

But I have everything I want and need right now