Functioning

I am functioning.

It's as if I am going through the motions, propelled by some invisible force.

That force is not me.
I am not strong enough to be that force.
Nor is that force anyone else.
Because I am functionally alone right now.

My life has been a mix of incredible dysfuction mixed with spurts of hyper-productivity.

I write and file a 25 page appellate brief.
Then I spend 3 days on couch playing online poker and losing my rent money.
I give a spectacular presentation in criminal procedure class about Alford pleas.
Then spend 3 days "partying", not sleeping not eating for 3 days straight.
I get highest praise from the BIG BOSS at work
Then go to T's house at 3AM and spend 4 hours engaged in very rough and demeaning sex
I bake cupcakes and surprise my son at school for his birthday
Then I spend all night at some strip club, making out with strange dancers and bouncers

All my accomplishments seem to be balnced with an equally damaging, dysfunctional activity.

Overachieving - Rough Sex - Hard Work - Drugs - Good Parenting - Obsessive Gambling.

Am I functioning?

Yes, I am functioning, in a very dysfunctional way.

My dysfunction has become so intertwined with my daily life that I know

I can never go back.