The Attorney-Client Privilege Does Not Protect You From Being a MORON

Let me let you all in on a little secret.

The attorney-client privilege does not preclude us, your attorneys, from laughing at you, our clients, behind your backs. I know its hard to stomach. Especially since we are charging you $200 an hour to do so. But, just let it be known, if you act petty, irrational, obnoxious, or unreasonable, as soon as you walk out our door, we are making fun of you.

And now that I’m practicing primarily Divorce Law, I find myself more amused then ever.

When I was laving the office Friday, the senior partner said to me:

“See you Monday. It’s Father’s Day Monday. One of the craziest days of the year.”

Evidently, Fathers Day stirs up the worst in divorcing and recently divorced people. And, come Monday, all these morons run to their Attorney’s Office with complaints like:

(Note to non-legals: PSA= Property Settlement Agreement. It is ordinarily the last agreement executed between a divorcing couples, and is usually made part of final decree. It purports to deal with all issues, ordinarily, including ridiculous terms regarding the can and can-nots of parenting after divorce.)


“He left the kids off 30 minutes later then the PSA specified. I want him to be found in contempt.”

“I refused to let the kids see their dad yesterday, because the ass showed up with his young whore in the car, and the PSA said I had to let them see their dad, but it said nothing about that whore, and I refuse to let my kids in the car with that little slut. Am I going to be found in contempt?”

“The PSA says she needs to make all reasonable efforts to foster the relationship between me and the kids. The Bitch only let the kids get me a $2.99 box of chocolates for Father’s Day. Can’t she be reprimanded for that?”

And then the perennial:

“He had the kids an for Father’s Day. He needs to give me an extra day, because it was MY weekend. Draft a letter to his attorney NOW telling him I want an extra day.”


So, we, your attorneys, do as you say.

I draft a letter to you ex’s lawyer demanding an extra day, because you do not have the maturity to work this out like a civil person with your ex.

CHA CHING $250 in my pocket.

I file a motion to show cause for the cheap chocolates.

CHA CHING $325.

I file an answer to the show cause your ex. Filed against you because you are too immature to admit your ex has moved on, and you’d prefer to ruin the kids’ Father’s Day.

CHA CHING $425

And this is not to mention the dozens of phone calls I will take that will be so frivolous that my Ethics Responsibilities will prevent me from doing anything. Except possibly saying:

“Grow the fuck up, you are destroying your children’s lives!”

At least I can laugh at you when you walk out.

And maybe one day I’ll marry a psychiatrist, to whom I can refer your children when they grow up, so we can get double the laughs!