Crucify Myself
At least once a month I drive up the my old apartment, and sit and stare at the windows. I close my eyes and imagine myself, at age 19, sitting on a cheap plastic chair with my "boyfriend." I close my eyes and picture walking through the doors of the apartment, the day after getting married. A young bride, 21 years old, and blinded by love, and her groom, at 26 year old go-getter is what I see. I see love I see promise. I close my eyes and see myself, my stomach round. I am 22 years old and pregnant with my daughter. The future is wide open. Life seems perfect.
(Got a kick for a dog beggin' for love. I gotta have my suffering. So that I can have my cross. I know a cat named Easter. He says will you ever learn. You're just an empty cage girl if you kill the bird.)
Fast forward, eight years later. I am living, again, in the same apartment complex. Yes, I live just 2 buildings down from where all of those memories were made. In eight years I had two children, made 3 moves, built a house, got seperated..and ended up back here.
(Why do we crucify ourselves. Every day I crucify myself. Nothing I do is good enough for you. Crucify myself. Every day I crucify myself. And my heart is sick of being in chains.)
I ask myself, why did I pick HERE? The same apartment complex at which it all started. I live in a major metroplois. There are hundreds of apartment complexes, maybe even thousands, that I could have picked. Why did I pick here? An apartment with an identical layout of the apartment I lived as a newlywed.
Am I giving myself opportunity to sit and stare at that old place of memories?
Am I living here as a vain attempt to capture the past?
Am I here to punish myself for all the dreams that were dreampt up here, but which never came true?
Tonight I sat and stared at that building
And cried
And closed my eyes
And tried to grasp a feeling
A smell
A memory
Anything to regain that feeling od peace and happiness
But none came.
Prior to my "visit" to my old apartment, I went out of my way to go past a hotel.
It was the hotel in which I was raped 4 years ago.
A rape I never realized was "rape" until last year
A rape I blamed myself for
I told myself I deserved it for being at a hotel with a man other than my husband
I told myself I deserved it because I was a tease
I sat in the parking lot and stared at the very hotel door behind which it happened.
I closed my eyes and tried to go back
Tried to change it all
Tried to relive it
Tried to discover it was not really rape
Tried to convince myself it never happened
(I've been looking for a savior in these dirty streets. Looking for a savior beneath these dirty sheets. I've been raising up my hands. Drive another nail in. Just what God needs. One more victim)
It happened.
(I've been looking for a savior in these dirty streets. Looking for a savior beneath these dirty sheets. I've been raising up my hands. Drive another nail in. Got enough guilt to start. My own religion.)
This is my life.
Crucify
by Tori Amos
Every finger in the room is pointing at me
I wanna spit in their faces
Then I get afraid what that could bring
I got a bowling ball in my stomach
I got a desert in my mouth
Figures that my courage would choose to sell out now.
I've been looking for a savior in these dirty streets
Looking for a savior beneath these dirty sheets
I've been raising up my hands
Drive another nail in
Just what God needs
One more victim
Why do we crucify ourselves
Every day I crucify myself
Nothing I do is good enough for you
Crucify myself
Every day I crucify myself
And my heart is sick of being in chains
Got a kick for a dog beggin' for love
I gotta have my suffering
So that I can have my cross
I know a cat named Easter
He says will you ever learn
You're just an empty cage girl if you kill the bird
I've been looking for a savior in these dirty streets
Looking for a savior beneath these dirty sheets
I've been raising up my hands
Drive another nail in
Got enough guilt to start
My own religion
Why do we crucify ourselves
Every day I crucify myself
Nothing I do is good enough for you
Crucify myself
Every day I crucify myself
And my heart is sick of being in chains
Please be
Save me
I cry
Looking for a savior in these dirty streets
Looking for a savior beneath these dirty sheets
I've been raising up my hands
Drive another nail in
Where are those angels
When you need them
Why do we crucify ourselves
Every day I crucify myself
Nothing I do is good enough for you
Crucify myself
Every day I crucify myself
And my heart is sick of being in chains
Why do we ...
... chains ...
Crucify ourselves
Everyday
Never going back again
Crucify myself again
You know
Never going back again to
Crucify myself
Everyday
(Got a kick for a dog beggin' for love. I gotta have my suffering. So that I can have my cross. I know a cat named Easter. He says will you ever learn. You're just an empty cage girl if you kill the bird.)
Fast forward, eight years later. I am living, again, in the same apartment complex. Yes, I live just 2 buildings down from where all of those memories were made. In eight years I had two children, made 3 moves, built a house, got seperated..and ended up back here.
(Why do we crucify ourselves. Every day I crucify myself. Nothing I do is good enough for you. Crucify myself. Every day I crucify myself. And my heart is sick of being in chains.)
I ask myself, why did I pick HERE? The same apartment complex at which it all started. I live in a major metroplois. There are hundreds of apartment complexes, maybe even thousands, that I could have picked. Why did I pick here? An apartment with an identical layout of the apartment I lived as a newlywed.
Am I giving myself opportunity to sit and stare at that old place of memories?
Am I living here as a vain attempt to capture the past?
Am I here to punish myself for all the dreams that were dreampt up here, but which never came true?
Tonight I sat and stared at that building
And cried
And closed my eyes
And tried to grasp a feeling
A smell
A memory
Anything to regain that feeling od peace and happiness
But none came.
Prior to my "visit" to my old apartment, I went out of my way to go past a hotel.
It was the hotel in which I was raped 4 years ago.
A rape I never realized was "rape" until last year
A rape I blamed myself for
I told myself I deserved it for being at a hotel with a man other than my husband
I told myself I deserved it because I was a tease
I sat in the parking lot and stared at the very hotel door behind which it happened.
I closed my eyes and tried to go back
Tried to change it all
Tried to relive it
Tried to discover it was not really rape
Tried to convince myself it never happened
(I've been looking for a savior in these dirty streets. Looking for a savior beneath these dirty sheets. I've been raising up my hands. Drive another nail in. Just what God needs. One more victim)
It happened.
(I've been looking for a savior in these dirty streets. Looking for a savior beneath these dirty sheets. I've been raising up my hands. Drive another nail in. Got enough guilt to start. My own religion.)
This is my life.
Crucify
by Tori Amos
Every finger in the room is pointing at me
I wanna spit in their faces
Then I get afraid what that could bring
I got a bowling ball in my stomach
I got a desert in my mouth
Figures that my courage would choose to sell out now.
I've been looking for a savior in these dirty streets
Looking for a savior beneath these dirty sheets
I've been raising up my hands
Drive another nail in
Just what God needs
One more victim
Why do we crucify ourselves
Every day I crucify myself
Nothing I do is good enough for you
Crucify myself
Every day I crucify myself
And my heart is sick of being in chains
Got a kick for a dog beggin' for love
I gotta have my suffering
So that I can have my cross
I know a cat named Easter
He says will you ever learn
You're just an empty cage girl if you kill the bird
I've been looking for a savior in these dirty streets
Looking for a savior beneath these dirty sheets
I've been raising up my hands
Drive another nail in
Got enough guilt to start
My own religion
Why do we crucify ourselves
Every day I crucify myself
Nothing I do is good enough for you
Crucify myself
Every day I crucify myself
And my heart is sick of being in chains
Please be
Save me
I cry
Looking for a savior in these dirty streets
Looking for a savior beneath these dirty sheets
I've been raising up my hands
Drive another nail in
Where are those angels
When you need them
Why do we crucify ourselves
Every day I crucify myself
Nothing I do is good enough for you
Crucify myself
Every day I crucify myself
And my heart is sick of being in chains
Why do we ...
... chains ...
Crucify ourselves
Everyday
Never going back again
Crucify myself again
You know
Never going back again to
Crucify myself
Everyday
posted by KinkyCatholicLawyer @ 10:03 PM
3 Comments:
At Monday, December 19, 2005,
Smerdyakov said…
Reasons for going back? There are several and only you know for sure. Did you return to the same apt complex so you could literally start over from the beginning? Maybe to have a constant physical reminder of past pain? Or maybe because if it wasn't for pain and loneliness, you wouldn't know how else to feel.
Other than that, this was heartbreakingly awesome.
At Monday, December 19, 2005,
Theresa said…
I'm sorry to know that you're in so much pain.
No one deserves to be raped. No one has a right to take your control away from you that way. Nothing you did caused the rape to happen - - NOTHING. It's perfectly normal to try to make the rape go away by imagining it away in your mind. A lot of people do that. Some even go as far as to put themselves in similar situations again to see if they can "do it right" (not get raped). The bottom line is that you couldn't control what happened then, and you can't now. It's a really tough thing to wrap your brain around. And, it hurts. It hurts deep inside to have someone take that control from you. It's humiliating and degrading. It's not like taking a stereo or a car. Those things are easily replaceable. Your sense of safety and autonomy are not.
I'm so sorry you were raped.
It wasn't your fault.
I'm glad you survived.
At Thursday, May 18, 2006,
Anonymous said…
Wow.
I stumbled here through the twisty links in the blogosphere when I should have been working.
Maybe you ended up at the same apartment complex by way of somekind of syncronistic closure? Or, maybe, it was just familiar and the first place you thought of to go?
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