The illogical feeling called "LOVE"

My therapist once called me a "love" addict. She gave me books on this phenomenon. Some people, and I was one of them, have an unhealthy addiction to feeling as if they are in love is how the theory went.

For so many years I do believe I had some unhealthy addiction along these lines. I have told more men then I can count that I loved them, and heard it back in return. I have felt like I loved men after just meeting them..Again and again and again. Being in love like this drove my existence for many years. It ruined my marriage, I believe, since while married I told I loved, and truly believed I loved, romantically, probably about 100 men and women.

Through many years of therapy I have learned to differentiate love and infatuation. Making love and fucking. Feeling wanted and feeling loved.

However, I think I have ended up on the other end of the spectrum. When someone, recently, asked me how many times I've been in love I thought hard, really hard, and still came up with the number 0.

I have been infatuated
I have been needy
I have married not to be alone
I have attached to people just so I didn't have to be alone
I have reinvented myself for countless men
I have identified my complete existence and peronality as "X's girlfriend" over and over

But love?


I am a different person today. I am strong, independent, not needy. I am single right now. This is first time in my life I am single and happy. I love myself.

I do think I may have actually been in love twice. In college I had a very good friend, Ryan. He was actually a very good friend of my ex-husband, so much so that he was in my wedding party. This man never touched me in a sexual manner. We used to talk for hours, play tennis together, play chess, watch Beavis and Butthead, laugh for hours.

I have not seen Ryan in years. Throughout the last decade, I see him once in a while and my heart consistently skips a beat. I dream of this man all the time still, even 13 years after our friendship.

This may be the closest to love I know.
This may be the closest to love the world knows
Or ever will know.


Lately, I've been coming to the realization that I'm truly in love with Todd.
Words can't do these feelings justice.
My life is just empty and hallow without him

And it's not desperation
And its not neediness
And its not idolatry
And its not fantasy

I think its love
It has to be love

But now what?